So you came up to me at the end of the night
I stay in profile and keep out of the light
I'd like to meet your gaze and face you straight on.
But there's something in my features that's very very wrong
If I seem a tad evasive, or preoccupied
I'll put it to you straight, I'd be in trouble if I lied
Any further chance of congress will prob'ly be wrecked
But I'll tell you the truth, and darn me to heck
There's a lump like a casaba melon stuck on my neck

If I didn't have a goiter, I'd ask you out
If I didn't have a goiter, I wouldn't wear these turtlenecks
If I didn't have a goiter, I wouldn't be quite so vexed
If I didn't have a goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter

So you got the beer goggles and you're not walking right
But you'd have to be blind not to notice this sight
I lay on my side whenever I go to bed
Cause this thing is like havin' me a second head
People point and stare whenever I ride the bus
At my glandular pi ata that is chock full of pus
Another couple seconds you'll find out and be gone
Guess I'll never get a chanec to make that special bond
Cause my thyroid seats 4 with room for carry-on

If I didn't have a goiter, I'd ask you out
If I didn't have a goiter, I wouldn't wear these turtlenecks
If I didn't have a goiter, I wouldn't be quite so vexed
If I didn't have a goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter

You seen my defect but you're still hangin' round
And suddenly my chances are goin' up instead of down
I got the feeling you and I are sharing the night
And the reason I know everything is alright
Is cause now I see that you have got the elephantitis

If I didn't have a goiter, I'd ask you out
If I didn't have a goiter, I wouldn't wear these turtlenecks
If I didn't have a goiter, I wouldn't be quite so vexed
If I didn't have a goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter